It doesn’t matter that your teeth are yellow and your breath sucks if no one can see your mouth. YOU SAVE: $496 Don’t Buy $120 Toothpaste, Buy a Ski Mask Shaped Like an Octopus Sorry, but literally no umbrella in history will ever keep your outfit dryer than a giant garbage bag you have hoisted over yourself. YOU SAVE: $8,284 Don’t Buy an Alexander McQueen Umbrella, Buy a Garbage Bag You Can Fashion Into a Poncho But will it protect not one, but two people from a cold-weather emergency? Probably not! To be completely honest, I love the yurt. YOU SAVE: $1,967 Don’t Buy a Yurt, Buy a Two-Person Emergency Survival Cold Weather Thermal Reflective Shelter Tent (Pack of Three) Hey, maybe they’ll get some use out of it! Sure, this closet-like contraption essentially dry cleans your clothes for you, but it doesn’t hold a candle to a giant shoe rack that will sit untouched in its original box in the corner of your bedroom until the next tenant moves in. YOU SAVE: $2,992 Don’t Buy the LG Styler, Buy a Shoe Rack That, Let’s Be Honest, You Are Never Going to Assemble I don’t even know what this thing does, but I do know that there is absolutely no way it provides more fun than a dollar store kaleidoscope. YOU SAVE: $4,992 Don’t Buy the Microsoft Hololens, Buy a Child’s Kaleidoscope While these two items contain the same amount of art, if such a thing could be quantified, they contain vastly different amounts of Lady Gaga. YOU SAVE: $14 Don’t Buy This Jeff Koons Vase, Buy Lady Gaga’s Artpop Literally any tote bag can carry stuff, including bottles of wine. It doesn’t matter if there are stains all over it or it’s been sitting at your desk for four years. YOU SAVE: $586 Don’t Buy the Ellessco Vinnibag, Buy a Tote Bag, Literally Any Tote Bag Goop describes this $599 plant wall as “like a Chia Pet for your wall.” A gift that is even more similar to a Chia Pet, however, is a bunch of succulents that will be left somewhere and forgotten about for three weeks until your cat eats them. YOU SAVE: $383 Don’t Buy a Plant Wall, Buy Some Already-Dying Succulents What is the use of spending four hundred dollars on an empty box when you could spend $12 on one that has a GAME INSIDE? Don’t Buy This Vintage Banana Box, Buy Bananagrams Even though that is probably the point of it all, here we have assembled a few actually practical alternatives to spending $120 on toothpaste (just buy a ski mask). Yes, it appears that the Goop gift guide has become sentient enough to develop a sense of ironic detachment, and even it is trying to distance itself from Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand.īut no amount of winky coquettishness can make up for the fact that there is not a single item included in the 2016 Goop gift guide that is actually worth its cost. #Goop holiday gift guide portable#“Because it wouldn’t be a goop gift guide without a portable yurt,” begins the introduction of Goop’s 2016 “ridiculous, but awesome” gift guide. While best known for peddling items like thousand-dollar toilet paper or pure gold dumbbells, the past few Goop gift guides have offered something even worse: self-awareness. But in recent holiday seasons, this cultural institution has shifted. You can also see what we’re up to by signing up here.įew things are as consistently insane as Goop’s annual gift guide (with the exception of Countess Luann in RHONY season 9 and also the year 2016 in general). The archives will remain available here for new stories, head over to Vox.com, where our staff is covering consumer culture for The Goods by Vox. Thank you to everyone who read our work over the years.
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